this year has been a bit of a mess. in a good way. a bad way. and that’s okay.
i know some people don’t give a shit about news years but i’m going to take this one as my blank page.
there’s this feeling i’ve had since i was a kid. it comes and goes. sometimes it’s here for a day. others a few days, weeks, sometimes months. it’s back. and i’m figuring out that i never really resolved anything. i just put my issues away in a corner and tried to forget about them.
well i guess it didn’t work. but that’s okay. i’m taking this blank page and starting again. this year i’m going to work on this. i’m sure i’ll have days i fuck up and days i won’t want to. but i need to.
so i’m going to start crying on people’s shoulders more, and spend less time crying on my own. even if it makes me want to rip my hair out at first. i’ll try to believe certain people when they say they care.
i’m going to take more pictures. write more. read more. dance more. god help the ears of the people around me, even sing more. spend less time in nothingness.
to everyone that follows me…thank you! for talking to me or just reading my stupid rants thoughts. you’re all sweet. a reminder if you ever feel as if you’ve no one to talk to, i will listen. i wish you all the best in 2013.
i wish i could split myself in two.
two of my sisters are having parties today
and they both want me there.
and i want to go to both but like…ahhhh.
i’d have to leave one early :/
blah blah blah.
why can’t all my family just get along
so we can all just get fucking drunk together
damn. is that so much to ask for?
so a couple of hours ago i started pandora by typing in tego calderon.
and it’s been going fucking awesome with song selection.
except now we’ve made it to pitbull.
lol. no pandora. i didn’t sign on for that shit.
no. you were doing so well.
how the fuck did i…as in me
catch the eye of someone so many people want.
like. that just boggles my mind slightly.
not being self-deprecating or anything.
it just…doesn’t quite makes sense.
they are the opposite of what i usually go for.
my sister told me i better not get anymore tattoos.
that three’s plenty and that if i get more i’ll end up like
my brother who has a sleeve.
i mean. i don’t want a sleeve.
but i’m 20. i’m getting more.
so those nights i spent with them.
i wish i could have just fallen asleep.
instead i watched them.
i watched their chest rise.
their eyes move back and forth.
the constant tossing and turning
because they weren’t really asleep either.
i think i was trying to memorize the details because
i know it was something slightly rare for the both of us.
when they asked what i was thinking
i wanted to tell.
i really wanted to tell and i really tried.
but fuck i let them in my pants
i wasn’t about to let them in my mind too
i wish i’d gone to sleep instead.
my favorite kind of music is the happy kind
the fast and upbeat kind
with really sad lyrics.
because it makes feeling like shit
feel less like…